Social media advertises itself as increasing our connections with each other, yet studies tell a different story. People who spend more time online are actually lonelier. I get it. We need real-life friends, not merely the virtual kind.
Aelred of Rievaulx (1109-1167) invested considerable time writing about friendship. He served as abbot (leader) of five monasteries for twenty years in twelfth century England. He became concerned for the isolation monks experienced in cloistered monastic settings, so he wrote a treatise On Spiritual Friends which begins as a dialogue between Aelred and a fellow monk named Ivo. “Here we are, you and I, and I hope that Christ makes a third with us,” Aelred said. “No one can interrupt us now, no one can spoil our friendly conversation; no one’s voice, or noise will break in upon this pleasant solitude of ours. So come now, dearest friend, reveal your heart and speak your mind. You have a friendly audience; say whatever you wish. And let us not be ungrateful for this time or for our opportunity and leisure.”
Aelred regarded Christ’s presence as the “the third” among friends (“Wherever two or more are gathered in my name, there I am in the midst of them” (Mt. 18.20). Cultivating spiritual friends is a primary way Christ’s love is made known in the world. For Aelred, spiritual friendship begins in Christ, continues in Christ, and is perfected in Christ. Aelred also warns about vices such as slander, pride, and betrayal that can destroy friendship.
Tell me we don’t need this kind of authentic friendship in the church! Jesus said, “I no longer call you servants…I call you friends” (John 15.15). Aelred’s confession that follows restores friendship with God and makes spiritual friendship possible: