Near the end of Ignatius of Loyola’s (1491-1556) Spiritual Exercises is a section titled “Some Thoughts Concerning Scruples.” Scruple was a term Ignatius used to describe an excessive obsession or compulsion. He likened scrupulosity to becoming convinced that something is a sin when it isn’t. There are other names for it: moral perfectionism, religious OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), or Catholic guilt.
Ignatius (Inigo was his birth name) aspired to become a career soldier. But a cannonball to his leg shattered his military aspirations, leading to his conversion in 1521. He went on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land. He lived for a year in Manresa, Spain, spending long hours in a cave, pouring over his sins, and formulating an outline for his Spiritual Exercises, which became the manual for the Jesuit order he and others founded. Several reputable Jesuit scholars are convinced Ignatius evidenced many classic signs of depression in his life and writings. He had suicidal thoughts and wrote about a “sadness and desolation that covered me like a blanket.” He went to confession, but it was never enough. He engaged in such rigorous fasting that his confessor ordered him to stop it. Whenever a salacious or aggressive thought entered his consciousness, he became paranoid that perhaps he had committed a mortal sin.
Note to self: even devout followers of Jesus get depressed. Those among us with perfectionistic tendencies need the counterbalancing influence of mature believers to remind us that salvation is by grace. Don’t allow scrupulosity to become an impediment to receiving God’s mercy. God is not waiting to nail us when we sin; God catches us when we fall. Given what we know about Ignatius, his prayer for God’s presence in the darkness has added meaning: